


You Can’t Move On With Your Life If You Don’t Stop Pitying Yourself...

by ArtsyGirl



Series: A Piece of Me [19]
Category: Enderal (Video Game), Enderal Forgotten Stories
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, Heavy Angst, Psychological Drama, Psychological Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-03-27
Packaged: 2019-12-25 12:21:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18261185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtsyGirl/pseuds/ArtsyGirl
Summary: "Once in an another life I was given some good advice: You can’t move on with your life if you don’t stop pitying yourself..."





	You Can’t Move On With Your Life If You Don’t Stop Pitying Yourself...

  
Pages from Susan’s diary:  
  
Progress report (sort of)  
  
Gave the Aterna in my home a nickname, Thari. It’s a lot easier to say than Tharaêl and who does not like nicknames.  
  
Thari is still having nightmares every night and he is still not talking to me.  
  
During day time he is still standing at the balcony, quiet, staring into nothingness.  
  
Oh and I got some bread delivered by a kid who delivered me a letter from the order. Yeah they want me to go back. Shi… Bullocks another thing to worry about.  
  
Blazes I’m tired of all of this…  
  
On the brighter and more optimistic side: I’ve taken to reading a lot lately. I’ve collected a fair amount of books during my time in Enderal and now I have time to read them. Every day I sit near Thari and read out loud. It is both interesting for me and I hope that he likes it too. I hope…  
  
Hope… a strange word, an important word. Something you don’t want to lose.  
  
[There is a scribbled sketch of the word hope with bread on the background.]  


***

  
Some time later…  
  
I’m getting even more letters from the temple. They are always being delivered by the same kid. I’ve actually come to an arrangement with him: every time he delivers me a letter he also brings me bread in exchange for some extra money.  
  
I’m running out of books. In a way it’s good because I’ve learned so much, but on the other hand it means I have nothing to occupy my time with. If I don’t have something to occupy my time with then bad memories start running through my head. The Cycle, red madness, the thing I saw in Calia in the excavation site, Sirius and of course the whole situation with Tharaêl.  
  
Gods nothing has changed with him. He is still quiet, still ignoring me. I’m beginning to think that he is not trying to get better. What if he’ll stay like this forever? Is he another friend who is lost because I was not good enough? Not supportive enough…  
  
There go the bad thoughts again. I should get out of my head.  
  
[On the bottom of the page there is a quick drawing of piled dark books with various titles such as “Sirius”, “Darkness”, “Calia”, “Tharaêl”,”Not Good Enough…”.]  


***

  
Even later…  
  
It’s been about two and a half weeks. I’m all out of books to read and the dark thoughts are running rampant in my head.  
  
I’m beginning to see the nightmares again. It’s always the same the road to home and a beautiful summer day. All seems alright, no pain, warm and soft breeze caressing my cheeks, the smell of mother’s raisin bread… I walk up to our house and then there is father, calm chopping wood. He tells me to go inside and help him skin the deer he caught. Then something goes wrong. He begins yelling, I’m ready for the next blow that used to follow when I was a kid, but this time he doesn’t hit me he begins ripping flesh from the dead deer with his bare hands while jelling over and over again: “Give me a nice crisp piece of meat!” The words echo in my head and I have this unsettling feeling in my stomach- I feel nauseous and want to run, but my feet won’t move it’s a s if I’m nailed to the floor. And then for no apparent reason the room bursts into flames. I wake up just before the flames reach me.  
  
I usually wake up then covered in cold sweat. What cruel jokes life plays on me? I sleep only for a few hours each day and now even those few hours are plagued with nightmares.  
  
It has to mean something because it is always the same dream- how can it be without reason?  
  
When I am awake I know that it repeats itself, but when I’m in it it is as if I forget all that has happened and I’m a child again- afraid to do anything and dreaming of the day when the fear is no more. I’ve gone so far from the little kid who is afraid of her father, afraid to move, speak even breathe wrong because he got so angry. I’m tired of being afraid, but even now years later in a new place with daddy dead he still comes back to haunt me.  
  
During the day time I feel less like myself. I feel sort of dark… it is a strange sensation I try to look strong and happy, but it is slipping, I’m slipping. I still try to say encouraging and positive for Thari, but it is difficult now that I see that he does not even try to move forward. I thought I could handle it because, I’ve been the occasional shoulder for others, but this is different. The others wanted to get better, but Thari- he is just quiet and depressed and that is bringing the depression out in me. Why can’t life just be easy? Why can’t people be uncomplicated?  
  
Is he ignoring me because I’m trying to fix complicated situations in a complicated manner? What if there is a simple fix that’ m not seeing- a simple fix like a quick slap to the face to snap out of a shock situation or shaking of shoulders to help a friend out of a nightmare. Because my words don’t seem to have an effect on him I just want to grab him by his shoulders and shake him until he snaps out of his trance and comes back to the real world. What have I to lose? I’ll try it.  
  
When it comes to the letters from the Temple then they have become daily (soon, estimatedly in a week or so, I won’t be able to even pay the delivery kid for bread- blazes I need to get a job as soon as possible). Seems the old Grand Master is becoming impatient, but I can’t go back there. I’m not ready yet. I can’t put my finger on it, but all of it feels like a fast speed river- when I get into it by will or falling it takes me with its flow and because of the strong flow it is challenging to get out- a complete struggle that feels like a few moments, but in those few moments the distance the river has taken me is way too vast to find a way back.  
  
This regime feels like a soft pillow pressed against my face. At first it’s nothing- I can breathe and it even blocks the bright light and shadows in the corners of my house. But with each day passing it presses down with more and more force cutting off my air supply. Soon I won’t be able to catch my breath… I have to do something.  
  
[On the next page there is a drawing of a charred hand holding a perfectly preserved fresh loaf of raisin bread. Both are on fire.]  


***

  
I’ve been going over my equipment for hours now. Checking that the armor is fine, that the leather boots are oiled and weapons sharp. In a way keeping myself busy calms me and I’m going to need all the calm I can muster for the serious talk I’m going to have today. Better check on my backpack for holes or something… I’m procrastinating… Blazes I have to get this over with.  
  
I walk over to Tharaêl. He seems so calm and emotionless while string off into the distance. Sometimes I just want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him and tell him to snap out of it. I tried that once- he didn’t even bat an eye. Hopefully I’ll get through to him today by just talking because talking is something I’m good at and perhaps this time he’ll really hear me.  
  
I lean on the railing and begin my speech that I must have run through my mind dozens of times:  
“Hey Thari. It’s me, Susan. I’ve got something important to tell you. Sure you have been quiet for a while, seemingly tuned out of life and reality, totally nonresponsive to everything. Nonetheless I’ve been talking to you every day now. I’m not sure though if you have been listening to me or hearing me, but I sure hope that you’ll listen to me now because I need you to hear me- really hear me.  
  
You will be left alone here. I won’t be here for you because all of this is destroying me. The sleepless nights and days babysitting you so that you would not do anything stooped is difficult, sure, but I can handle all that – I’ve handled things like that before, but seeing someone getting worse and worse while not making an effort to better their situation- that is too much for me.  
  
I do not know what you are going through or how difficult all of this is for you, but I’ve been in a place where nothing has a point, when life is all a blur of pain and darkness and there seems no way out. I am aware that it is hard to move on, but in the end all of it is stuck in you. You can’t move on if you don’t get out of the bed and take a few steps out of your comfort zone.  
  
The only person who can help you now is you. Me- I can be along the journey for you and hopefully make things a bit easier, but that does not change the fact that you need to get moving. “  
  
My palms are sweating and my heart is pounding in my chest so had that I can feel it in my throat. This tiny talk is not that scary- sure in a way some aspects of both of our lives depend on this, but it’s nothing big. I take a deep breath and run a hand through my hair. The movement relaxes me a bit. “I’m not sure if you count days and keep track of time, but it has been full three weeks since everything happened at the temple. It isn’t a long time in a sense of processing your feelings and building up the foundation for your life. I do understand that, but on the other hand life is too sort for people like us and we don’t know what lies ahead. Heck one theory right this instant is that all of us will be killed by some High Ones. That is what the people up in the Sun Temple think. They also think that I’m connected to all of it… somehow. All of it sounds ludicrous. I almost died on my way to Enderal. It was scary and difficult and I was lost at that time- had been lost for years. Now I’m finally finding my way back to my path and because of it all I want to do is live and not focus on how horribly we are going to die- not when I’ve found the will to live.  
  
I’m ranting. It’s not what I came here to do. Sorry.  
  
Anyway the next point on why I am leaving: I’m not sure if you have been paying any attention, but I’ve begun getting letters from the people at the Sun Temple. They want me back there, but I can’t go there… at least not yet.  
  
This is why I have a grand idea of making some money. There is this notice board for bounty contracts here in Ark. As far as the job goes it seems simple and the money they pay is noting to scoff at.  
  
I will leave tomorrow morning,” I nudge him with my elbow and smile, “and it would be great to have some company.”  
  
Still staring off into the distance. Damn it even walls are more responsive than him. I’ve been patient for so long is it not enough. Would it be too much to ask for a single word? Blazes even a simple nod or something would do. I want to scream and cry at the same time. How can it be that someone wastes their life just like that? I feel bitter because I wonder what the dead would give to be alive again. What would Sirius think of someone letting themselves waste away like that. “Once in an another life I was given some good advice: You can’t move on with your life if you don’t stop pitying yourself and I do hope that you decide to get the fuck over yourself and take the first steps to improve. True words of wisdom that you should take to heart - if not then I guess this is where our paths will take us apart… one way or another.  
  
Anyway I will be making some preparations for what’s ahead and then I’ll probably crash at some inn. I’m done with talking to walls. As for tomorrow I’ll be at the noticeboard until an hour after sunrise then I’ll head out.  
  
All is in your hands now.”  
  
I walk to my equipment. Put on the armor and equip my weapons. I’m growing more and more nervous because I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing by giving Tharaêl an ultimatum. Am I being a total ass by telling him to get better or pretty much telling him to get lost one way or another? That is tough love, right? And sometimes a person needs a push to get back on track.  
  
Tough love- a shitty term for justifying even shittier actions- I’m turning into my father.  


**Author's Note:**

> It has been a while since the last post- sorry for that.
> 
> But hey here is this thing full of psychological… stuff. Now seriously this was a way of handling a topic of empathic people being in a relationship (friendship is a type of relationship too). Empathic people feel a lot more- they sort of reflect the feelings of others around them. As an example when someone around them is happy then they will be happy too and when they are happy, but someone around them is sad then their mood will go down and they will be sad(er).
> 
> The lovely prophetess Susan would be considered empathic, but only in cases when she gets a bit closer to people. And this was me exploring how she would react to what is going on. And seriously what fun would it be to have a main character with very small issues. And with all the character goes through in he game they will be affected mentally a lot- jeeze even playing through the game is an emotional roller-coaster.
> 
> I’m also trying to depict here her way of descending into darker spaces of her mind- that is what the diary entries are for in the beginning and he speaking part later on is her trying to better both of their situations while trying to hide the fact how broken she has gotten.
> 
> Anyway if you made it this far then I honestly do hope you liked it!


End file.
